7/15/08

I've successfully completed a day's worth of moving. And I did the amount I said I would--I can be proud of that. And I am.

I still feel like I've slacked off a little, but I need to be able to be proud of my success rather than sad because I could have done more.

There's never any advantage in beating myself up over successes--it just trains me to break my own self deadlines. Plus, I'm saving a meal tonight because of the large sandwich I bought at lunch today. And I'll save many more, once the coffee machine is fully operational.

(Palpatine voice: You see, the coffee machine is fully operational....)

I bought cereal for myself. How great is that? And I bought a fan, and sheets, and pillows, and wine. I played one game of Madden, but that's not a bad thing in itself either. Pleasure is a positive good, particularly during busy weeks like this one. Tomorrow I want to do one carload, ideally that's half books, and possibly other half computer/TV/Wii--wouldn't that be exciting? I'd be in a very good place for Thursday, Friday, and so on.

I haven't been thinking much about work, because of moving. That's okay, though--my next assignment will involve retyping Pope, so I'm going to be thinking about him a lot.

I wish I could convince these flies to flea. They seem to particularly like the taste of monitors--my TV and computer screen both attract the buggers. And they bug me.

I'm really just going to type as fast as I can in order to squeeze out five more minutes worht of typing so that I can get on with my life. I guess it should be a revelation to me that whether I type good stuff or bad stuff 5 minutes is five minutes.

Is four minutes.

Shakespeare, Spenser, Keats, and so on really are good, particularly in their good bits. I need to not lose cite of that--Part of the reason I'm afraid of the value question is that I read a lot of boring poetry, and so the interesting things I find, I think are valuable just for that reason. That is, I think I'm better at reading lots than I am at appreciating little bits.

Perhaps that'll make me not cut out for graduate school. More likely, seems like, it'll make me very cut out for graduate school and not cut out for the job market. But, we'll see. For now, I just need to read a little more than I do and write a little better and leave everything else up.. to God.

Success isn't happiness, anyhow. Success is success. Happiness is happiness.

I need to make sure I keep those straight in my head. It's too easy for me to defer thinking about how to make my life happier now and in the future in favor of thinking about how to make myself successful.

Future happiness is not happiness, either I suppose. I guess I need to keep that straight, too.

I have a big pile of self doubt, it seems, that only really comes out when I'm typing here. I wonder why that is.